In defense of "fear of comittment"

By gender, I suppose I should be opposed to the oft dreaded words "I have an issue with committing." I have heard those chilling words, and my initial response was far from positive. Having had years since that unhappy event (nonevent) to reflect on this Venus vs Mars issue I must admit to a change in perspective.

I've seen a little more of life since then, and having seen the disastrous effects of the opposite of that fear of commitment thing, which I'll call the "too quick to jump in" response, or maybe I could call it the "I'd better latch on to this and hold on with all my might before it disappears into the ether" response, or just the dreaded "rebound," I'm thinking maybe the person who feared (and shall remain anonymous here) had the right idea.

True, life is indeed short...far shorter than I could have ever imagined for some very important people. We can all relate to that, no doubt. The "sea change" for me came when I realized that I can now, even though I'm older and therefore have less time than I would like for caution, understand the desire, given the shortness of life, to want to wring every bit of experience we can out of it. In that case the person in mortal fear of committing is best left to his/her own devices, because they will never willingly settle down. It's unfair to ask it of them. It is hardly fair to meet a "free spirit" and promptly wish to cage it, after all, and if you do succeed in caging such a being, it will become either feral or pathetic, but will never remain what it was before. When intrigued with such a person, have fun and move on, just as they will...and if you are not able to do that, find someone a little less exciting and a lot more reliable. If you are truly lucky, you will find someone who is a little bit exciting and unpredictable yet utterly dependable...that oh so perfect mixture of good and bad sure to keep things interesting for decades. It's a rare creature indeed, but I know it exists. I've seen it, in the mirror and elsewhere. But don't spin your wheels (forgive the mixed metaphors I'm sure to engage in here) wishing for the impossible--what every immature person dreams of--the BAD BOY (or girl) turned docile by love. That only happens at the very end of bodice ripper novels, and the reason it happens at the end is that there is absolutely nowhere to go after that. It doesn't exist, even in the fantasies of the most gifted of writers.

Anyway, returning to the fear issue; I have also become intimately acquainted with self-doubt, that insidious virus of the psyche that whispers to us that we may not measure up to some loved-one's expectations...that we are on too high a pedestal...that we'll make total asses of ourselves when we fall off. Bear in mind the loved-one probably has equal fears and just as many little issues as you do, so if that's all that's wrong it's time to ditch the excessive caution and move forward together in life. Live happily ever after and be grateful for every precious moment you share, because even happily ever after can be fleeting and gone too soon.

Unfortunately, life has a way of inflicting deeper pains and harder experiences, and therein lie the situations I most want to address here.

Men often get a bad rap for using fear of commitment as an excuse to keep looking, keep hoping to find the greener grass promised in that next feminine pasture, but in my opinion that view is a little shallow and self-serving. A woman, upon feeling scorned by his desire to avoid a "forever" relationship and keep searching for the ephemeral perfect woman is only getting half the message right if she's chosen the man in question wisely. I'm definitely not talking about the kind of guy who is little more than a serial one night stand, with no respect or feeling for his "prey". Those kind of people exist in male and female form, and their psychological issues are beyond any one person's ability to mend, no matter how well intentioned they may be in making the effort.

I've tried to "love someone well" and failed miserably. I tried to "fix" someone with poor self esteem, a survivor of childhood abuse and neglect who never learned to forgive himself, anyone else, or the whole effing world. I felt conflicting feelings of anger and pity for the guy, neither of which are particularly attractive. I honestly thought if I tried hard enough I could "love away" the hurts of his abusive childhood and the many other wrongs life had done him. It was only years later that I realized how supremely arrogant I was in my sure belief that I could somehow magically love all his pain (and the behaviors I attributed to that pain) away. Who did I think I was, Super-woman? ((Please, self, get a grip. You may be good, but you're not THAT good!)) No one is. Sticky-sweet, happily ever after (meaning after she gives up her entire life and all her personal hopes and dreams) chick flick plots aside, the only way any person (self) can mend those kinds of hurts, the ones carried so deep and so long we no longer even realize they're there, is by learning self-love. ((And no I don't mean the x-rated variety, smart asses, though that too can be extremely therapeutic. ***grin***))

It's twisted, but the only feelings a relationship in which one person tries to "mend" the other engenders are more self-loathing, the certainty that there must be something terribly wrong with anyone willing to love the "victim" in question, and his or her resulting absolute dedication to proving that to be true. What results is persistent undermining of the self-confidence of the nurturer in an effort to create some kind of order in the chaos of the broken person's mind. Simply put it's that relationship we've all had or if we're fortunate, just witnessed, in which the object of Pollyanna's love treats her like absolute dirt, to put it nicely. The observer sees with absolute clarity the fact that the guy is working hard to tear down his partner in order to push his own self-esteem higher. It's ugly, and with extremely stubborn people, these mutually destructive relationships can last for years, and for some poor souls, a lifetime...a lifetime for both of ruined holidays, shattered dreams and too often an abused body to go along with the abused psyche, and worst of all, children of chaos, and the cycle continues.

Once bitten by and free of this kind of relationship, an intelligent and self-actualized (to use a psycho-babble term) person is going to see red flags in the relationships that follow. Is he/she too needy, too self-effacing, too over-confident, too codependent (cliche' as that term is) too this, that or whatever? Chances are, given we're all human, the answer to some of those questions is going to be yes. So, rather than being twice-bitten the person, especially if still nursing a past wound, withdraws either completely or in small ways. They may ditch the relationship completely, or simply put up so many little obstacles that eventually the new love interest can't help but feel driven away. In some cases both parties will be survivors of failed fixer-upper disasters, and then the approach/avoidance dance can go on for months, years, decades.

The only certainty is that at some point one party to the relationship is going to ask what in all hells is going on (or NOT going on) and the almost certain answer is going to be something like "It's not you...it's me. Don't blame yourself--it's not your fault. I really do love you, and I never meant to lie to you or lead you on, but I guess I have a fear of commitment thing."

Ouch.

But then, what's worse? Someone going into a relationship with all kinds of baggage that has yet to be unpacked, reorganized, and the old crap thrown away? ....or the person who knowingly just dives right in on the rebound, hoping to put off that chore, suppress those feelings with new, nicer ones, never understanding that those things left undone will eventually need taking care of. No amount of booze, drugs, or sex-therapy is going to change that.

So maybe, for the non-players out there, a better way to express this uncomfortable state of being is to honestly explain that he/she still has work to do on getting emotionally organized again after a chaotic relationship. Chances are if the relationship is a significant one, the other person is going to know already at least the basics of what's happened in the past. It's then her/his (the person seeking more's) decision to make. Faced with honest fear of commitment, or a love interest who still has emotional work to do, the choices are pretty simple. Stick it out for a while (or as long as it takes if the relationship continues to be satisfying) in hopes that the reorganization is completed within her/his lifetime, slowly drift away more discouraged than ever, or say, "Okay then, get back to me when you have your shit together and maybe I'll still be around."

Either way, assuming both people are decent humans, not predators with major issues (subject for a future "rant" I think) both can at least take comfort in the honesty of the communication. If real love is involved, both can continue to communicate within the confines/limits of the current relationship and hope for the best. Both can settle back in a less aggressive role, continuing to be as mutually supportive as possible, perhaps sadly or reluctantly keeping other options open. After all, in no way is it realistic to ask the person who wants more to hang around waiting forever for something that may never happen. Pleading "emotional work to be done" or "fear of commitment" does basically equate to setting the other person free. I can't help thinking of that old butterfly analogy "Love is like a butterfly, if you hold it too tightly it will die, if you hold it too loosely it will fly...but if you set it free and it returns to you, it is yours forever." Corny but true.

So, back to my original defense of that fear. Sometimes it comes from a good place and needs to be respected for what it is, an attempt to prevent harm or even disaster, depending upon the volatility of the people involved. I do not necessarily see it as I once did, as a coward's way out, or worse, a means to stall while searching for something better. And that, I think, is what sometimes makes older woman, younger man relationships as rich and successful as they are. There is no substitute for the wisdom gained over time. It more than makes up for a few smile lines.

Rant Warning!

I need to preface this little rant by saying I never once saw the program "Jon and Kate Plus Eight" or whatever it's called, but upon hearing of Jon's recent behavior in France with the barely adult daughter of his wife's surgeon and his new idea to exploit his children in a childrens' wear scam...I mean business, I just have to vent before I explode! Feel free to comment. I like to stick to less gutter-slime-like subjects, but eh...who's perfect, right?

Here goes:

Jon Gosselin is a PIG...an ugly, puffy eyed, hair plugged, paunchy, spineless excuse for a man I would NEVER consider dating, under any circumstances. Certainly not because of his physical looks, which are after all just an accident of nature, but because he, as a human, is flat out revolting! No amount of money makes up for his utter and complete lack of personality and his persistently puerile behavior. The only time he even pretends to be a father is when he's signing the checks he gets from exploiting the offspring for which he was a sperm donor! (...and I cannot imagine being poor Kate when his other little, and I mean little, "recreational" deposits were made! Erase, brain! Erase!) The sooner the clock expires on his already overlong moments of fame, the better. Looking at him makes me gag and thinking about him makes me want to tear my hair out...and his new plugs too! In fact he IS a plug--the kind sold on adult toy websites--used and never cleaned.

Thank you for allowing me this brief but satisfying self-indulgence.

"Ameritianity"

Was wasting time the other rainy day when I came upon a completely brain-dead comment to an AOL story that mentioned something called Ameritianity. "WTF", I thought to myself...and then I made the mistake of looking into it. I am now working to lower my blood pressure by taking deep cleansing breaths. If you are a fellow masochist, you can find the site here: Ameritianity - Christian Responsibility for America

...in two three four, out two three four...

Anyway, this was my basic response to the poster, and while I see I have but one lonely though notable follower, I do hope this reaches other eyes at some point because, just like everything else I write and every word I utter, it is absolutely priceless and beyond compare. *Insert laugh track here.*

Oh...and the funniest thing I almost forgot to mention...the term was first employed by the French! Ohhh my sides!

Regarding "Ameritanity" (gag) Oh goodie, another right wing idiot who thinks she/he knows all about how to be "Christ-like" and "praises Jesus" but doesn't even realize His real name is Yeshua bin Joseph. She pontificates to the left about the GLORRRRRY and superiority of the ultra right. This means of course pro-war, meaning anti-already-born life, anti-health care for children, anti social programs, in other words GREEDY but holier than thou because they make a weekly social appearance at church and have ALLEGEDLY "accepted Jayyyyysus into their haaaarts" no doubt "for the chilllllldren". ((Honestly, I could retch!)) Children meaning of course the ones they want to ensure are born (even if it means putting pregnant women in shackles and FORCING them to give birth, even in cases of incest and rape) but these are the same children they would gladly starve and see die preventable deaths due to lack of access to adequate health care. Ugh... I could go on for hours, and I suppose if you add up all my posts on this particular form of uber-hypocrisy I have, but my basic point is as follows. No people, as a rule, are less Christ-like than Bible thumping right wingnut Xtians. I will NOT call them Christians because they act in direct opposition to Christ's teachings. Their absolute and total hypocrisy defines them... always...ALWAYS!

The entire concept of "Ameritianity" is nonsense in a tragi-comic way because they consider funding for health care and rehab for Veterans, yes OUR Veterans...the ones stuck over the sea (or on it, or above it) eating sand and MREs as they and their buds die wearing faulty body armor and ride in underprotected vehicles because good ol' George W. thought he had higher priorities (you know, like profiteering and raking in blood money for his family and friends) "pork" or worse yet "Socialism"! I beg your pardon???

"We are all about the troops!", they say "...just see our lovely yellow ribbons (made in Japan) on our gas guzzling, air polluting SUVs! We gave our 89 cents while sitting here all comfy cozy feeling superior, and some of us even make sure to keep a light shining on our flags at night! Heck, we even have candle light vigils and play military music and eat star shaped sugar cookies and watch the fireworks on 'the fourth of July' if we're not blind drunk by sunset. We even sometimes show up at the airport to welcome our Reserve units home (and watch the TV coverage, breathlessly waiting to catch a glimpse of ourselves in our red white and blue finest.) What more can you ask? My grampa was Patton's driver, you know. My family has a long, proud military heritage!" Just an aside here, but have you ever noticed how many drivers, aides, pedicurists and head toilet paper handlers every famous military figure has had? All I remember, personally, is being turd number one in someone's poop parade. Well actually, I remember a lot more than that, but I'm just saying...

Nothing these fringe element wackos have to say is relevant, nor is it based on anything the Founding Fathers had in mind when this nation was born, but they won't allow little things like that stop them. They have PROPAGANDA to spread, dammit!

Anyway...happy Independence Day...belatedly. I only wish we could have a national "educate yourselves before you vote or voice your opinion" day or a "Christ was a Liberal" day or a "If you're going to call yourself a Christian then, by God, at least make an attempt to follow His teachings" day, which I suppose would have to be shortened because it would never fit on a calendar, but I think you smell what I'm stirring here. Eww... I hate that saying, but it's so descriptive and subject-appropriate.

Now, one final and very serious thought. Thank you Veterans and Active Duty military persons of either gender. The price you pay may differ from person to person, but your sacrifices are noted and appreciated, and for the record I would gladly see my taxes raised significantly to see our promises to you kept. No catchy phrase for that, and no web sites either...but it is what it is. Gratitude and respect. Godspeed.